Am I supposed to feel like this?
May. 31st, 2010 02:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shinydinosaurHonk! is actually over.
But it can't be. It just can't.
The past five months, I've been so happy to be part of a wonderful cast for Honk! and experience so much through practices and Saturday workdays and dress rehearsals and amazing performances. I can remember starting this journey, being the only one to figure out our director's hint about the show ages before it was actually announced, and thinking it was probably the dumbest thing I'd ever heard of, and why did we have to do it because it was so silly and childish, etc etc.
Then we get into casting and I was up against my best friend for lead female role and I didn't get it - to this day I've never been a lead character, or even secondary - and actually getting really upset over all of it and wishing I wasn't part of it anymore. And then going through the script fully for the first time and seeing how much fun my character really was, and all the jokes that came of it. And thanking my director on the final night for casting me as Maureen because that's where I was meant to be (I suck at skating, and I wouldn't have been able to do 95% of the soprano parts of songs as Ida).
The final night, as per tradition, the seniors get to have little speeches, and I was tearing up so much that my voice broke at the end of my speech to my director. But it didn't even fully hit me then that it was my last performance of my high school career.
It only finished two nights ago, and I went to the cast party and had an absolute blast, and now that I'm not preoccupied with any of it - it really REALLY hit me. I don't know what you'd call this feeling, but it's very much like withdrawal. I'm not going to have the chance to work with this cast again, in this same realm. It actually almost physically hurts to think that this musical is over and done. I'll start crying once I stop feeling so dead inside. It's like something amazing was ripped out of me and it left a gaping hole in my heart.
My parents haven't ever really been that supportive of the idea of my going into theatre as something worthwhile or of any importance, I suppose. I've been spitefully called a 'drama queen', 'diva', having a huge inflated ego, and I was even called a hack a day or two before opening night this year, when they want to get at my nerves.
After my parents greeted me after opening night, they told me it was the best thing they'd ever seen from a school show, and my mother said she was so impressed and proud of me. I walked in the door at home and my dad stopped in his tracks, looked me straight in the eyes with a really serious face, and said "That was amazing." (Damn, I'm all crying and unnecessary now, typing this).
I've come to realize that for me, this musical wasn't just about putting on a great show - although that's the huge main focus for everyone involved - it gave me a sense of community and the cast was like a family that I never really had felt before. This show was the culmination of my growth in confidence, self-esteem, and belief that I truly am good at performing onstage. Four or five years ago, I would never have thought I could do something of this scale without freezing up. Last Friday night, I had almost no stage fright. I believed in my work and was unapologetic about it, to the point where even a dead mic during an entire scene/song *and* solo only made me belt/project harder, and then feel confident and very proud that I was good enough to hold it together without a mic.
To think that all of this - the show, the community, the experience - is over... it hurts me more than I can really explain. I know that my good friend, a fellow senior, and the lead of the show, is sad that it's over, but I don't think it extends to nearly this degree. I don't know that anyone else in the cast is this upset over it either.
I don't want them to think I'm some crazy obsessive or anything like that, because that's not even it. I don't know what to say that doesn't make me out to be crazy or an idiot, because I know how ridiculous this all looks from an outside perspective.
Am I alone with this or what?
But it can't be. It just can't.
The past five months, I've been so happy to be part of a wonderful cast for Honk! and experience so much through practices and Saturday workdays and dress rehearsals and amazing performances. I can remember starting this journey, being the only one to figure out our director's hint about the show ages before it was actually announced, and thinking it was probably the dumbest thing I'd ever heard of, and why did we have to do it because it was so silly and childish, etc etc.
Then we get into casting and I was up against my best friend for lead female role and I didn't get it - to this day I've never been a lead character, or even secondary - and actually getting really upset over all of it and wishing I wasn't part of it anymore. And then going through the script fully for the first time and seeing how much fun my character really was, and all the jokes that came of it. And thanking my director on the final night for casting me as Maureen because that's where I was meant to be (I suck at skating, and I wouldn't have been able to do 95% of the soprano parts of songs as Ida).
The final night, as per tradition, the seniors get to have little speeches, and I was tearing up so much that my voice broke at the end of my speech to my director. But it didn't even fully hit me then that it was my last performance of my high school career.
It only finished two nights ago, and I went to the cast party and had an absolute blast, and now that I'm not preoccupied with any of it - it really REALLY hit me. I don't know what you'd call this feeling, but it's very much like withdrawal. I'm not going to have the chance to work with this cast again, in this same realm. It actually almost physically hurts to think that this musical is over and done. I'll start crying once I stop feeling so dead inside. It's like something amazing was ripped out of me and it left a gaping hole in my heart.
My parents haven't ever really been that supportive of the idea of my going into theatre as something worthwhile or of any importance, I suppose. I've been spitefully called a 'drama queen', 'diva', having a huge inflated ego, and I was even called a hack a day or two before opening night this year, when they want to get at my nerves.
After my parents greeted me after opening night, they told me it was the best thing they'd ever seen from a school show, and my mother said she was so impressed and proud of me. I walked in the door at home and my dad stopped in his tracks, looked me straight in the eyes with a really serious face, and said "That was amazing." (Damn, I'm all crying and unnecessary now, typing this).
I've come to realize that for me, this musical wasn't just about putting on a great show - although that's the huge main focus for everyone involved - it gave me a sense of community and the cast was like a family that I never really had felt before. This show was the culmination of my growth in confidence, self-esteem, and belief that I truly am good at performing onstage. Four or five years ago, I would never have thought I could do something of this scale without freezing up. Last Friday night, I had almost no stage fright. I believed in my work and was unapologetic about it, to the point where even a dead mic during an entire scene/song *and* solo only made me belt/project harder, and then feel confident and very proud that I was good enough to hold it together without a mic.
To think that all of this - the show, the community, the experience - is over... it hurts me more than I can really explain. I know that my good friend, a fellow senior, and the lead of the show, is sad that it's over, but I don't think it extends to nearly this degree. I don't know that anyone else in the cast is this upset over it either.
I don't want them to think I'm some crazy obsessive or anything like that, because that's not even it. I don't know what to say that doesn't make me out to be crazy or an idiot, because I know how ridiculous this all looks from an outside perspective.
Am I alone with this or what?
